


Child's Play

by Tehpootisman



Category: Calamity Mod, Terraria
Genre: Alternate Universe, Family Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24542062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tehpootisman/pseuds/Tehpootisman
Summary: The Terraria Calamity Mod's lore as we know it is kinda dark. So, let's turn on that night-light and get comfy as Yharim and the gang work together to become one big family!A quick heads up, this is a Calamity AU with some custom lore! This mini-series is canon to one of my other works, Sinner in Night’s Shadow.Notice: There is no new chapter 3, I uploaded a chapter for the wrong story by mistake.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	1. Cookies and Catharsis

  
Yharim stared at his cup of coffee, a dilemma running through his mind. Today, he had to oversee an important weapons demonstration with whatever mess Draedon built this time.

_‘I swear, that machine is always going over budget, even with the restrictions our new treasurer keeps putting in.’_ He thought to himself.

However, said treasurer had a son who by all means was an absolute bundle of joy, not unlike his own grandchild that his son-in-law would occasionally bring to visit every now and then. Worked wonders in filling in the void that he’d felt after losing his own family oh so long ago.

As much as he wanted to just sit out today’s weapons testing, he very much needed to stick around, especially after the last one accidentally opened a portal that unsealed some ancient evil being from long ago.

It didn’t even get to recite its name before the Devourer swooped in, destroying both the being _and_ half the laboratory. So, now Yharim had to personally oversee the tests, lest they have to spend another few hundred cosmilite coins on repairing the same darn reinforced wall...over, and over again.

And while the dad was one of his personnel, well, he had a job that was heavily time-consuming.

Then, a thought came to him. 

He’ll just get Calamitas to take over for the day. After all, she had a lot of brothers, so surely she knows _something_ about babysitting, right?

  
  


* * *

Calamitas realized she knew nothing about babysitting.

This... _thing,_ apparently named Naitokirā, was staring up at her with a curious look on its face.

“Miss Callie,” The young boy began, “I’m hungwy!”

Ah, right. Cooking was something she could do, at the very least.

“What do you want, little one?”

The little child thought for a moment.

“One thousand cookies!”

Hm...that was well within her ability. Of course! Looks like babysitting would be very easy after all!

“Alright then, watch this witch work her magic!”

Her place was quite roomy, as her magic was quite...powerful, and with great power came great volatility. 

A magical circle appeared beneath her as she worked her dark arts of high level necromancy.

Many monsters such as bat-like fliers and legged furnaces rose from the ground, burning red hot with brimstone.

“Now, my minions!” She commanded. **“BAKE A THOUSAND COOKIES! NOTHING LESS, AND PERHAPS MANY MORE!”**

Her minions pulled baking ingredients from the local warehouse, mixing them up and pouring the dough into pans, which were then baked via brimstone flame.

Soon enough, a massive pile of cookies began to build up on a table in front of the little boy, who cheered with the biggest grin on his face.

Calamitas...felt truly _happy_ for once in her life, as she watched the young one stuff his mouth full of cookies, devouring them fast enough to make a certain god-eater bow in shame.

* * *

“These are really good, Calamitas.” Yharim said as he bit into one of the leftover cookies. Little Naito had fallen asleep after going through the mother of all sugar rushes.

The Brimstone mage chuckled nervously.

“Though, I must regret to inform you that his mother won’t be happy for...a few reasons, like the fact that you made _1000_ cookies. At least he didn’t eat the _entire_ pantry’s worth of food again. So, what about the remaining 900 cookies?”

“There’s only fifty left.”

The Jungle Tyrant paused. “What?”

“I was worried that he was gonna eat all of them faster than I could produce them, but…”

“I see. Well, I can see that your heart’s in the right place. We all make mistakes...I for one have made too many.”

“Ahaha…it was a piece of cake.” She shrugged. “If I had known kids were this easy, I _probably_ would’ve asked sooner.”

“I see. Maybe I should up the ante and let you babysit my grandchildren next time?”

Calamitas laughed half-heartedly, as did Yharim. Though, it quickly turned into genuine laughter.

“In all seriousness,” Yharim suddenly said, “may I take the leftovers?”

“Do as you please...I have much to think about.”

* * *

“I kid you not, she made the kid a thousand cookies. A thousand!” Yharim and the great Devourer of Gods roared with laughter in the throne room.

**“And she thought that was normal?!”**

“Indeed! There were only 50 left by the time I got there!” Yharim grasped a cookie and tossed it into the air, where the giant house-sized worm snapped it up.

**“Hmm...admittedly delicious, yet such a short-lived flavor.”**

“So...how has the little weaver been?”

The grand worm went silent.

“Growing attached, are we?”

No response.

“It is normal to grow attached to a young one, great Devourer. It’s simply a part of life.”

**“I’m worried that Weaver may enter a rebellious phase.”**

“That too is normal. Young children rebel, simply because it is in their nature to push the limits of their boundaries.”

**“The same** **_will_ ** **happen with your kids too, Lord Yharim.”**

“That is why we become the people they trust. We become those that they can, and _want_ to come home to. This is why you become the “cool uncle”, as the Lunar Cult leader’s son calls me.”

**“Heh, if only it were so easy. You of all people know how I am.”**

Yharim smirked. ”I could say the same to you.”

**“Touchè. Another cookie, please?”**


	2. Friends in High Places

The cool winds ruffled Naito’s hair as he gazed upon the vast landscape below him, a safe distance from the edge thanks to the hard-light barrier covering the perimeter of the floating island on which he stood.

Today, his caretaker was some “Android” uncle Draedon had made, named Klaire. He had no clue what an “android” was other than that it meant that she was a robot, which couldn’t be true because she looked just like a human!

She could make portals, just like Uncle Yharim’s pet dog, which was really cool!

The island in question was mostly artificial, an attempt at harnessing the power of natural floating islands in an experiment to create an aerial fortress.

However, several problems arose, including logistics and the fact that they would grow too heavy for mere solidified clouds.

Luckily, this “Android” was allowed to keep this vastly unfinished prototype; several islands merged into one super-island, which had been converted into something akin to a personal home.

Harpies and other strange birds watched down upon him from the large trees that dotted the place, as bunnies of many kinds roamed the yard.

He loved this place! So many things to do, and he’d only been here for a few minutes!

But then, without warning, the sky went dark. That’s weird! They were  _ above  _ the clouds, so what could possibly…?

_ Roaaar! _

A great serpent dove down from the sky; a full grown Wyvern, looking to make a quick bite-sized snack out of Naito!

“Oh no you don’t!” His caretaker shouted, jumping between the two. With a swipe of her arm, reality was torn open as a portal appeared, unleashing an even greater serpent.

An armor-plated worm-like creature shot forth from the portal, snatching the Wyvern with its large pincers with honed precision.

The great serpent came down, coiling up like a house-sized rattlesnake. With a twist of its head, the hostile wyvern went down the hatch with a comical  _ slurp. _

“Nice catch, big boy!” The pinkette praised the giant armored worm as she gingerly gave it scritches on the neck.

Naito looked up in awe at the large serpent as it turned to face him, chittering curiously.

“Big wormy!” He called out, reaching up to pet it. Seeing what he was trying to do, the serpent bent down within arm’s reach of the small boy.

His caretaker ‘aaw’d’ at their antics.

“Hey, little man.” Klaire began, pulling out a humorously oversized piece of raw meat on the bone. “You wanna feed ‘em yourself?”

The little boy looked at the oversized morsel. 

“Noooo! You’re supposed to cook it first!”

Deep inside the mind of Storm Weaver, its primitive intelligence slowly began to turn the gears.

_ ‘What is cook?’ _

“Eeh?” The android had a look of confusion. 

“You’re supposed to cook food, miss Klaire! It makes it taste better and makes it safe to eat too!”

_ ‘Make food better?’ _ This got the serpents attention as it leaned in closer, wagging its tail the best a serpent could.

  
Klaire looked at Naito, then back up at Storm Weaver, who had begun drooling at the thought of a good meal.

“Heh.” The android shrugged, smiling. “Can’t argue with that…”

With a flick of her wrist, a rising spiral of godslayer flames leapt from her hand, roasting the meat chunk in seconds until it became a fine medium rare.

“Lunch is served!”

Storm Weaver took a bite of the cooked meat…

...and immediately entered a whole new world of flavor as the juices courses over its taste buds.

_ ‘Cooked meat is...delicious! Taste better than chicken noodle…!’  _

It quickly chomped up the rest and curled up in front of Klaire, begging for more.

“Heh, how could I say no to that face?”

“I’m hungry too, Miss Klaire!”

“And what is it that you seek?”

Naito raises his arms into the air excitedly. “Hamborgar!”

Storm Weaver was very excited to discover what a ‘hamborgar’ was.   
  
  


* * *

Several days later, Storm Weaver sat in front of his prey, a freshly slain wyvern.   
  
He would  _ learn  _ how to cook his own food, one way or another. Lightning shot forth from his mandibles.

  
It came out a little crispy, but it was definitely an improvement from last time!    
  
  


And maybe, just one day, Stormy could learn how to make a ‘hamborgar’ without big sis Klaire’s help.


End file.
